一路败北

•October 16, 2011 • Leave a Comment

读了一名女博客坦然叙说她本身的恋爱史后,我更意识到自己的懦弱,也启发我以中文下笔。虽然有些聊以自慰,我不为引起注意,更不为套取怜悯,只想找个出路。

我没有恋爱史。有的则是一串单恋惨败的事迹。


第一次心灵触动是在中二时期。 身为学生警察,一个十三,十四岁的乳臭小子,竟然看上了比我年长两岁的 “师姐”。虽不托枪,个子还比我小,她待人的亲切和可爱的面容让我感受到空前的自在。小学时期遗留下来对女生的反感立即消失。取而代之的是单纯,无知的渴望。

如今回想,这首序曲也许是祸根。打从开始我就在高攀。身旁的同龄女生多的很,有的也比甲漂亮,更有交往的可能,但就是看不上。

我只在学警活动时和甲接触。小小中二男生哪来的勇气或傲慢主动找一个学姐交谈。告白更是荒谬。

唯有的是幻想的空间。我把她的照片从学校纪念册剪了出来,放在皮包的一个小角落里。上课发闷或休息时,我会拿出来瞄一瞄,回想和她相处的时刻。

除了与朋友交换秘密和互相挑逗,我没做出实际行动。甲始终是遥不可及。她毕业后,累积一年的情感逐渐消失。


升上了中三,生活圈子毫无扩张。 每天读书,打球,玩电脑游戏。朋友不是同班就是学警同僚,加上一些放学后一起踢足球或打篮球的熟人。对女生的兴趣没有萎缩,可是认识的女孩不多,谈得来的更没几个。

目光再次锁定时,偏偏又是在学姐身上。同样是“师姐”的乙比我大一岁,戴着眼镜附有成熟稳重的风范。待部下有丝毫的冷漠,但携有被掩饰的关怀。

我自认毫无胜算,不打算做些什么。可是风声还是露了出去。相处变得尴尬。深感无奈,但也无助。她的毕业成为了我的解脱。


我胆小,对自己的外貌毫无信心。中学时期我从没采取主动,连被动勉强都说不上。虽然听说学妹对我有好感,我毫不问津,而只产生了一种莫名其妙的好奇:“怎么可能有人喜欢上这样_____的我?”

虽然如此,我认知失调,喜欢上年轻一年的学警学妹。没什么天大的理由,只认为丙长得乖巧,有智慧与责任感。偶尔我会找接口和她交谈。话题都关于学警事务,从不撇开,不露一丝破绽。

‘O’水准会考将至。没什么闲情逸致去追寻纯需空幻的情感。潜入书海,没得翻身。


预期会考成绩不错,让我得以升上初院。也许心灵空缺扩张了一些,保持四年“观而不战”的理念难以坚持下去。可能是新环境让我找回丝毫的自信。或许是丁那旖旎的笑颜,一种和蔼可亲,触动了我呆滞的心灵。

她就读于同样的中学,但在那四年里我从没意识过她的存在。到了初院,我们被分配到同样的班级,也不只是一次。三个月后,‘O’水准成绩放榜,我因成绩不理想被迫转校。丁因个人原因也转了过来,与我同班“重逢”。

我从没对女生正式告白过。这项“记录”还保持至今。但丁是唯一一个我有采取主动,千方百计去讨好的对象。

上课之余,我费尽心思亲手做小礼物:卡片,书签,镇纸的装饰品等。可笑的是,没有一次是自己亲手把礼物交给丁。拖朋友转手,上门寄信,把礼物放在教室桌上等等都尝试过。她客气地接受,也没有正面回应。

我心里有数,可是没完全放弃。心想也许再花一些心思,多费一点精力,就会有报酬。可是我始终等不到。

于此同时,有邻班同学开始婉转地向我示好。回到中学当学警队的学员督察,又碰到学妹对我有好感。茅盾不已。我不好意思正面拒绝,一直装着若无其事。残忍吗?

‘A’水准会考逐渐逼近,学业又成为重点。预考成绩平平,但侥幸地在正考里取得突破。

会考前已开始疏远的我和丁,离校后更没什么联络。我剃头入伍,开始新的人生挣扎。

但故事还没到尾声。当了一年多的兵,又开始和她网上对话。偶尔还趁同学聚会见个面,还有一次搭了她一趟顺风车回营。

结局却没改写。好不容易重建的关系最终还是瓦解。错在于我的天真,老是搞不清她人的用意,放不了手。


服完兵役后,我被一所英国大学录取。更意想不到的是该大学也颁发助学金,实现我到国外深造的梦想。

我满怀兴奋,展开平生首次独立生活的篇章。大学有许多我国的同学,全副奖学金或靠父母的资助而来。但他们的活动我都不参加。远赴伦敦为的是见识海外的人情事务。在那儿交的朋友也几乎全都是外国人。

戊是个美国籍混血儿,小我两岁。娇小,漂亮,友善。我们同系,经常上同样的讲课和教程。

她向我交换笔记,我借此和她多加接触,渐渐成了非常要好的朋友。也发现她有一名身在法国的法国籍男友。

俗语虽说近水楼台先得月,我没有企图“乘人之远”。心想,我这不起眼的家伙,凭什么去干扰她人的幸福。回忆起过去的创伤不浅,我也害怕重蹈覆辙。

我老实地保持朋友的关系。偶尔上门一起做作业,吃饭,聊天,度假时互寄名信片。

一年级考试期间,她突然消失。我和她室友慌张地寻人不果。原来她经不起压力,跑去法国躲避在男友的怀抱里。劝导之下,戊回到了伦敦。可是因错过考试,她得重念一年级。

隔年,见面的机会减少,但我还是像往常一样找她聊天,帮她应付功课与压力。看她心灵脆弱一点也不好受,更没有介入她感情生活的意图。

万万没想到,连帮戊升学这么一点事都无法完成。在我二年级中旬,她收到家里传来的噩耗,立即回国。

经历这次的打击后,戊再也没回返伦敦. 她渐渐地于世隔离,最后连我唯一能和她沟通的渠道,Facebook,也删除了。

之后的大学生涯,心思全投入了学业与心怡的课外活动。我不时会回想起戊,但当初的焦虑和思念渐渐被时间洗礼,减轻了许多。


毕业后,因想留在英国打全职工,在伦敦多待了四个月。当实习生之余,不断发出求职信。但金融危机的摧残把计划化为泡影。回国之际,本来约了要好的朋友搞个送别会。可耻的我临阵退缩,却了场。还好有心的朋友劝我在离别那天中午做个小聚会。感激不尽。

回国另寻高就,打了几分实习工。经历了一段苦心挣扎后,终于寻到一分心怡的兼职工。

不久后遇到了己。她比我年长几岁,外貌不错,为人直爽。寻工的焦虑被安抚后遗留下来的心灵空荡暂时给她填补了。

我猜想她应该是有对象,于是除了聊天以外,没有多做些什么。证实了猜测后,我立即死心。


第一次和庚碰面时是在大学时期。刚修完一年级回国度暑假,有幸被一间本地公司录取当实习生。在共同朋友的介绍下,我和同样在实习的庚打了招呼握了手,便从彼此生活中消失。

毕业后回国打实习工时,碰巧又遇到了庚。当时参加一名同行的告别派对,我斜眼看她眼熟,但就是想不起为什么。连个客套招呼都不打我就悄悄引退。

事隔一年,我开始任职现在持有的工作。庚还是同行,这时已到别家公司效劳。在工作场合我和她再次见面。

我开始只觉得她面善,并没有产生特别的好感。因年龄差距小,也觉得她人长得娇小可爱,在工作时见面我就会和她同坐聊天。

在Facebook上交了朋友后,偷偷地瞄了她个人简介,看见她和前男友的合照。那时我并不知到他们两已经分手,熟悉的无奈涌入心中。

我和庚蛮谈得来。不论是面对面或是在网上交谈都能找到话题。发手机简讯向她问好逗笑时,她也风趣地回应。

无意间得知她正与新男友交往。顿时心灰。

可是我幼稚。明知没条件,没资格,却撇开逻辑,抱着不复存在的希望,等待着她。

等待。等了十几年的我还有多大的耐心,无从说起。


Press muse – Boilerplate nationalism

•April 5, 2011 • Leave a Comment

Staying or quitting? Somehow then-prime minister Goh Chok Tong’s hypocritical comments in 2002 has endured as a dialectical signpost of Singapore’s fledging nationhood. Immigration may claim the lion’s share of headlines in an election year, but the question of emigration cuts right to the bone – do the people still believe in their national narrative?

The Straits Times on Monday (April 4) offered an answer on the front of its Home section:

‘Only 1 in 5 of Gen Y wants to emigrate’

The headline is strong, and offers a good hook for the story, which details a study by the Institute of Policy Studies. But funnily enough, you couldn’t find in the piece any newsmaker or analyst framing the referenced data with the qualifier ‘only’. It was reporter Rachel Chang (or maybe her editors) who inserted the prejudicial adverb, and in the story too (emphases mine):

Only 20 per cent want to emigrate or spend an extended period of time abroad, and more than half, the survey shows, have no intention of leaving the country.”

‘Only’? What’s with this ‘only’? I’d like to see more context for these figures before they are dismissed offhand. But Chang cares not for analysis, instead adding this operative word to spin a yarn of local youth expressing a strong sense of rootedness. In journalism speak , this is ‘editorialisation’ - defined by dictionary.com as: “to insert one’s personal opinions into an otherwise objective account“.

It gets better. Chang neither made clear in her story what she means by “no intention of leaving the country,” and nor did she provide a definitive figure. The closest she comes to doing so is as follows:

“When asked if they agree they would prefer to be a citizen of Singapore than any other country, 57.2 per cent agree.”

You’d appreciate that emigration doesn’t necessarily mean giving up citizenship – the researchers had defined it as “relocating to another country permanently or for an extended period of time” (emphasis mine). Perhaps Chang and her editors didn’t count on nosey Google search-fu exponents to track down the study’s executive summary, detailed findings and collated data, which can be read here and here.

Compare Chang’s claims to what Dr Leong Chan Hoong, who led the study, actually said in his presentation:

More than 50% of the sample had a low intention to emigrate, were strongly rooted by their social ties and were positive about the country and their prospects here. These were the Cosmopolitan and the Heartland Stayers.”

Who would have thought the Straits Times, Singapore Press Holdings’ flagship English-language broadsheet, can’t tell the difference between “no” and “low”?

The poverty of Chang’s story is made even more apparent by the Today newspaper’s more nuanced report. The headline and an excerpt follows (emphases mine):

Youths’ intention to emigrate ‘not linked to threat from foreign talent

The study found four different profiles of young Singaporeans emerging with regards to emigration. Just over half, or 53.2 per cent, of the youths interviewed had a low intention to emigrate. These youths were classified as “Cosmopolitan Stayer” and “Heartland Stayer” (see box).

But about two in 10 of youths surveyed – classified as “Explorers” – are not as optimistic about their life in Singapore and feel threatened by the presence of foreign talent.

Sociologist Tan Ern Ser expressed surprise at the 20-per-cent figure. He co-authored a study in 1989, which found that 15 per cent of Singaporeans then considered emigration. “The ’80s must have been the golden age of emigration, given that the popular destinations of choice were perceived as allowing access to a more affordable, quality lifestyle, which includes the material things that matter to many Singaporeans: Houses and cars,” said Associate Professor Tan. “But … the world has become far more globalised during the last two decades, perhaps the 5-per-cent increase is plausible.”

As you may well know, statistics are not always merry bedfellows with truth and truthtelling. But with a little context, insight can emerge from beneath the barely-scratched surface. Like how Today’s Leong Wee Keat compared the latest IPS findings with Assoc Prof Tan’s comments on a similar study in 1989, and found that the proportion of youth inclined to emigrate may have increased.

Now that probably should have been the real story.

Or even this: the fact that 46.7%, or ‘nearly half’ as some journalists may say, of the respondents felt disconnected with their country – those classified as the “disengaged” (26.5 per cent, who “reported weakest family bonding and sense of national pride”) and the “explorer” (20.2 per cent, who “did not feel proud of Singapore”).

But try telling Chang and her bosses. They didn’t even think the (inconvenient) findings on Singaporean youth’s national pride and sense of connection to the country (or lack thereof) deserved mention on their infographic.

Channel NewsAsia too tried to put on a brave face, but could only come up with this:

One in two young Singaporeans strongly rooted, says survey

Which kind of makes you wonder…what about the other half? But at least they aren’t as confused between “no” and “low”.

The Straits Times and Channel NewsAsia might seek shelter under the discourse of developmental journalism and argue their approach serves a larger national interest. But Leong too took on the subject from a so-called pro-nation angle, but instead of framing the study with an prescriptive, even disingenuous boilerplate premise, he offered a more sobering take on the state of play and some comments on the policy challenges in fostering “rootedness”.

Clearly, there’re more journalistically sound ways to tell this story. But perhaps we expect too much. After all, we are talking about a paper that splashes their pages with half-page profiles of individual ruling party candidates (see: “new faces”) while squeezing multiple opposition candidates (see: “rookies”) into a quarter-page slot. We are talking about a news station that prematurely declared Lim Swee Say and Dr Maliki Osman as East Coast GRC MPs and not realised it for days. We are talking about senior editorial staff who have the gall to declare their borderline propagandist spiel as quality journalism.

Staying or quitting? The Straits Times has apparently made our minds up for us. So perhaps the question is better posed to their journalists who might care about their professional bona fides.

Trollmedia – what no-fly zone?

•March 19, 2011 • Leave a Comment

So the Guardian begins with: “French planes enter Libya to enforce no-fly zone“. Later, le Grauniad says: “Libya no-fly zone: Gaddafi’s forces and rebels are hard to tell apart from the air“. Strangely on the Graun’s live blog, we are told: “Al-Jazeera is reporting that French war planes have destroyed four Libyan tanks in air strikes to the south west of Benghazi.

Just because the official line on joint action on Libya began with talks of a no-fly zone, and that the United Nations Security Council’s Resolution 1973 explicitly mandates a no-fly zone, doesn’t mean that the UN member states enacting the resolution are going to enforce just a no-fly zone. At least not in the manner in which the phrase is commonly understood (from post-1991 Persian Gulf War experience).

Not that some media outlets care particularly for the fine print, it seems.

The following are the key clauses in UNSC Resolution 1973 governing military action in Libya (emphases mine):

4. Authorizes Member States that have notified the Secretary-General, acting nationally or through regional organizations or arrangements, and acting in cooperation with the Secretary-General, to take all necessary measures, notwithstanding paragraph 9 of resolution 1970 (2011), to protect civilians and civilian populated areas under threat of attack in the Libyan Arab Jamahiriya, including Benghazi, while excluding a foreign occupation force of any form on any part of Libyan territory, and requests the Member States concerned to inform the Secretary-General immediately of the measures they take pursuant to the authorization conferred by this paragraph which shall be immediately reported to the Security Council;

This presumably is the provision under which the UN member states concerned (effectively NATO) are acting to conduct air strikes against Gaddafi’s forces. Note that it says “all necessary measures” to “protect civilians”, and doesn’t dictate that these measures take the form of a no-fly zone. Taking out Gaddafi’s forces seen to be attacking rebel-held cities can logically be held as a “necessary measure” to “protect civilians”.

Also of note is the bit about barring “a foreign occupation force of any form”. The inclusion of the qualifier “occupation” opens the possibility of the insertion of a “transition” force – a label often used on UN military peacekeeping missions in the past. If the genuine thrust for the resolution was to bar completely any foreign ground forces from entering Libya, the qualifier “occupation” is surely superfluous, totally unnecessary.

6. Decides to establish a ban on all flights in the airspace of the Libyan Arab Jamahiriya in order to help protect civilians;

8. Authorizes Member States that have notified the Secretary-General and the Secretary-General of the League of Arab States, acting nationally or through regional organizations or arrangements, to take all necessary measures to enforce compliance with the ban on flights imposed by paragraph 6 above, as necessary, and requests the States concerned in cooperation with the League of Arab States to coordinate closely with the Secretary General on the measures they are taking to implement this ban, including by establishing an appropriate mechanism for implementing the provisions of paragraphs 6 and 7 above,

Again “all necessary measures”, this time to enforce the no-fly zone. And again a potential qualifier for broad action against Gaddafi’s forces – the enforcement of a no-fly zone can be hindered by ground forces providing anti-aircraft defence, and as such UN/NATO can argue it legitimate to destroy certain Libyan government units under the aegis of clause 8.

Such is the legal framework for more extensive intervention, one feels, even as cordite, copper-scented red mists linger in Iraq and Afghanistan. Anything for energy security, eh?

By the way, I also hear some pretty rough shit going down in Bahrain and Yemen…oh sorry, my bad. I forgot it’s already being taken cared of.

P.S.: If the comic still whizzes over your cuckoo’s nest, see this and this. If you jelly, I appreciate it. Took me about half an hour.

Quotable quotes – Readership ails

•March 8, 2011 • Leave a Comment

Singapore Minister for National Development Mah Bow Tan in a parliamentary speech last week:

“In a series of articles on public housing in the TODAY newspaper last year, I explained the three key principles which underpinned our public housing programme. Incidentally, I would be compiling these articles into a booklet for wider circulation soon.”

ZING!!! For nothing reaches Singapore’s heartlanders better than a government circular.

And a follow-up for Mr Mah: why did you pitch those pieces to Today in the first place then?

Press muse – Image wrongs

•March 4, 2011 • 2 Comments

Pictures tells stories, blah…thousand words, blah…Sontag, blah…photography. You know the form. But like sense, what is thought to be common knowledge/quality really isn’t. Although you’d expect a national “newspaper of record” to know better than the rest of us.

Not on evidence of their web staff’s editorial judgement. Below are screen caps of two separate stories published on the Straits Times’ website. The first, from Feb. 23, describes local police busting online sex syndicates, while the second, from March 4, tells of Indonesian police alleged to have gang-raped a teenager.

What’s the link between the two? I’m not sure, but the Straits Times’ web editors evidently know something I don’t.

Leave aside the fact that the keyboard was clearly customised, and that its use in the first story was acceptable. Rather, ponder what a crassly insensitive goof you have to be to deem that same photo appropriate for the gang-rape story.

I ranted lamely at @stcom about this, but as of 0222 GMT on March 4, that ill-judged image choice remains. Which reminds me, @stcom does tweet rather crassly. I’ll tell you more about that next time.

P.S.: Disappointed that my first post of 2011 was on something rather inconsequential? I am too.

 
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